Mr. Blue's Happiness Quiz

I've finished with Garrison Keillor's latest book, "Love Me," and I enjoyed it very much. It was definitely irreverant at times, and occasionally downright crass, but it was well-written with a good storyline. The author has a great sense of humor -- with an expert blend between Midwestern sensibility and big-city flair -- and he makes some interesting observations on life.

In this vein, I thought I would post an amusing section of the book -- written into the story as a favorite printing of a Dear Abby type advice column (the advice columnist is Mr. Blue, and the favorite printing is his "Happiness Quiz"). Like the rest of the book, it's definitely irreverant (and even crass)... but it's also hilarious, and it offers some meaningful insights on life...

Read the following ten items and circle the ones that apply to you.

1. My girlfriend is Born Again and won't remove her clothing but she will kiss me until I am climbing the wall and whining like a dog.

2. I've been dating Bob for eighteen years and he is still "not sure" about us and my heart is in a twist.

3. My cat died one year ago last Wednesday and I still feel emotionally shipwrecked, and my friends are sick of hearing about it, and after ten years of sobriety, I'm back on the joy juice again.

4. My wife is God's Apostle on Earth and the Voice of Authority on every subject and corrects everything I do or say. She is like a horsefly in my life, I go sit in the car for a little peace and quiet. But it's January and the temperature outside is twenty below. Below zero. We live in a suburb of Duluth. I moved to this godforsaken place as a favor to St. Judy so she could be close to her family. When I remark on the cold, she says, "What's your problem?" Everyone up here is like that. I live in a dark sh**hole of suffering.

5. I am the child of affluent agnostic liberals who gave me no sense of values whatsoever and their moral relativism has led me into a life of meaningless sex and addiction to crack cocaine and sometimes I drive through the ghetto in search of some boojie. I wrote a book about it and then my computer was stolen, containing my entire book manuscript and I am devastated, numb with horror, and my mind is a blank.

6. I have everything I ever wanted, a good family, a showplace of a home, hundreds of friends, satisfying volunteer opportunities, and yet I am taking Percodan, Paxil, Xanax, Diloxil, and some mellow yellows now and then, and I also like to shoot horse.

7. I am a candidate for public office.

8. I am on the run from the law, living in paranoia and fear and also having an identity crisis. I am a Hell's Angel on the outside, but on the inside I'm a little boy who goes to bed with Tigger and Piglet and Roo. What if I am arrested and the police open up my saddlebags and see my stuffed animals and assume that I have drugs stashed inside and so they rip my babies to pieces? I will be devastated.

9. I am the hostage of my conservative upbringing in the snake pit of Baptist theological back stabbing, haunted by guilt, unable to break loose and enjoy life and express the free-spirited "party girl" side of me. I met a man in an Internet chat room and in two weeks he has become my world but I'm afraid to meet him for fear he cannot accept my bovine personality and the black leather Bible with study helps and concordance that I carry everywhere I go.

10. I am lying, semi-sensible, in a tiny cubicle in a geezer warehouse, drugs flowing through an IV in my arm and mushy music dripping from the ceiling. I am full of bitter rage and too weak to even swing my legs over the side of the bed. But I have a loaded pistol under my pillow, which I intend to use to win my escape. Where to go, I don't know.

Circle the items that apply to you. Circle any that ring a chord, even if not accurate in every jot or tittle. Face up to what's really going on in your life. Be honest.

If you circled fewer that four (4) items, you're doing pretty darn good. If you circled two (2) or fewer, I'd say you're definitely happy. If you circled none, I'd call you a big fat liar.